My Best Friend, Depression
So winter born babies have more of a problem with depression than those born in other times of the year. Great news. Old news, but fabulous. Just thinking about this as the radio station was talking about it this morning. They were discussing how babies born around Christmas have a higher rate of using antidepressants. They cited it was because they get shafted on their birthdays, but give me a break. Getting shafted on your birthday is no fun. This is a whole other problem, talking about how our biological clock is set by the season that we are born in. A study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience provides evidence for “seasonal imprinting of biological clocks in mammals” (McMahon). This research could soon explain why people born in the winter months have a higher incidence of bipolar depression, seasonal affective disorder, and schizophrenia than those born in the summer months. GREAT!
I do not want to spend my entire life depressed. I do not do well on antidepressants, or I have not found the right one for me. I need to make myself exercise, because that helps but I can’t get motivated. Anyway, I’m down in the dumps if you can’t tell. I don’t really know what it is, other than just being depressed my entire life to some extent. Christmas doesn’t seem like Christmas this year. We did not decorate at home. We will be away again this year for Christmas, and I would like to enjoy a Christmas at home, but I just seem to want to turn myself into a hermit (just like my dad). Can I just get a brain transplant?
Maybe it is that my life has been topsy-turvy lately with my quitting my job and going to nursing school full time for a year, trying to find a new job, quitting a new job that was incredibly high stress and had a terrible commute, and starting another more suitable job, putting our house on the market, selling the house, and working on building a new house… There is a lot going on and has been for the past year and a half. Now I am doing the new job thing and worrying about whether I am doing a good enough job and if they secretly want to fire me. I worry that we have done the wrong thing by selling our house in the suburbs to move into the city into a new house that is built from the ground up even though this is what I have wanted since I moved out of my apartment in the city five years ago. I worry that our new home location is not going to be the safest. I worry about my dog being happy in the new home. I worry about the fact that I got my RN but I am not even working in a nursing capacity and what does that say about me. I worry about how much we are spending on the new house. WORRY….
To add insult to injury, I constantly feel like I am worthless, or that I mess things up too often, or that I am just not a good person. How can anyone function properly in a relationship when they feel like they are crap all the time? I can’t imagine what my husband sees in me and I don’t think I ever could or will. Let me be clear on one point – my husband is the sweetest man and never ever makes me feel like crap, this feeling of crap is all my doing. No wonder I am so miserable. I don’t find myself worth anything and feel like my husband could definitely trade up. Surely this didn’t come from my upbringing? My parents were great, but doesn’t everyone make mistakes in raising their kids? Not to say they did. How could I blame this on them? Was it because they had to work and could not take off time to come watch my play in my tennis tournaments? Was it because we were brought up to always be responsible for what went wrong, even if it wasn’t really our faults? We were never to speak up for ourselves or defend ourselves it seemed. We were to take it and shut up about it. Don’t make waves. Did this have something to do with it all? I wish I knew. Until I find the right fit for a therapist, I don’t think I will ever know and woe unto my poor husband that has to deal with me.
No wonder I don’t want children. I don’t want to be responsible for screwing them up with my issues that I have too many of. That child would never have a chance.
I just want to find a hole to disappear in for a while or a new personality to inhabit.
I do not want to spend my entire life depressed. I do not do well on antidepressants, or I have not found the right one for me. I need to make myself exercise, because that helps but I can’t get motivated. Anyway, I’m down in the dumps if you can’t tell. I don’t really know what it is, other than just being depressed my entire life to some extent. Christmas doesn’t seem like Christmas this year. We did not decorate at home. We will be away again this year for Christmas, and I would like to enjoy a Christmas at home, but I just seem to want to turn myself into a hermit (just like my dad). Can I just get a brain transplant?
Maybe it is that my life has been topsy-turvy lately with my quitting my job and going to nursing school full time for a year, trying to find a new job, quitting a new job that was incredibly high stress and had a terrible commute, and starting another more suitable job, putting our house on the market, selling the house, and working on building a new house… There is a lot going on and has been for the past year and a half. Now I am doing the new job thing and worrying about whether I am doing a good enough job and if they secretly want to fire me. I worry that we have done the wrong thing by selling our house in the suburbs to move into the city into a new house that is built from the ground up even though this is what I have wanted since I moved out of my apartment in the city five years ago. I worry that our new home location is not going to be the safest. I worry about my dog being happy in the new home. I worry about the fact that I got my RN but I am not even working in a nursing capacity and what does that say about me. I worry about how much we are spending on the new house. WORRY….
To add insult to injury, I constantly feel like I am worthless, or that I mess things up too often, or that I am just not a good person. How can anyone function properly in a relationship when they feel like they are crap all the time? I can’t imagine what my husband sees in me and I don’t think I ever could or will. Let me be clear on one point – my husband is the sweetest man and never ever makes me feel like crap, this feeling of crap is all my doing. No wonder I am so miserable. I don’t find myself worth anything and feel like my husband could definitely trade up. Surely this didn’t come from my upbringing? My parents were great, but doesn’t everyone make mistakes in raising their kids? Not to say they did. How could I blame this on them? Was it because they had to work and could not take off time to come watch my play in my tennis tournaments? Was it because we were brought up to always be responsible for what went wrong, even if it wasn’t really our faults? We were never to speak up for ourselves or defend ourselves it seemed. We were to take it and shut up about it. Don’t make waves. Did this have something to do with it all? I wish I knew. Until I find the right fit for a therapist, I don’t think I will ever know and woe unto my poor husband that has to deal with me.
No wonder I don’t want children. I don’t want to be responsible for screwing them up with my issues that I have too many of. That child would never have a chance.
I just want to find a hole to disappear in for a while or a new personality to inhabit.
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