Spiraling Out of Control
The nearer I get to the possibility that any nursing program might actually accept me (which they probably will not), the more I start reconsidering. I am scared of actually having to arrive to work on time everyday and staying for the full shift. I admit, I have it pretty good right now. Very flexible schedule and a boss that, although creepy, supports me. I just have to deal with ridiculous researchers all day and this electronic program that I would not agree represents progress...well, maybe if people with common sense were using it, maybe...
I wonder, will I always be this irritated at work? I try to change my attitude and I enter the building with a happy vibe but as soon as some stupid issue arises, I lose it! I think I am just burned out?? I hope so. But I don't want to leave. I am scared of the unknown. But I always have this issue and never have I entered into a position that was worse than the one before. It has always been better. I guess I wonder when my luck will run out? Do I really want to go into nursing? I know that I don't want to do bedside nursing and I will not have to with a BSN. But what will I do? Right now I can wallow in my cubicle in silent, solitary disgust... But maybe, if I enjoy what I do it won't be like this.
Then, I have moments when I tell myself "hey! snap out of it! you have a job and a good income. what more do you want? don't be so selfish! some people don't have it so good." Why should I be so selfish to pursue something that brings meaning to my life? But then, why should I wallow in a meaningless (to me) job for the rest of my life, my brain slowly turning to mush, my empathy for others dissipating, my misery growing???
I don't know why I even worry...I have not even been accepted to a program. ugh...
Back to reality...back to work.
I wonder, will I always be this irritated at work? I try to change my attitude and I enter the building with a happy vibe but as soon as some stupid issue arises, I lose it! I think I am just burned out?? I hope so. But I don't want to leave. I am scared of the unknown. But I always have this issue and never have I entered into a position that was worse than the one before. It has always been better. I guess I wonder when my luck will run out? Do I really want to go into nursing? I know that I don't want to do bedside nursing and I will not have to with a BSN. But what will I do? Right now I can wallow in my cubicle in silent, solitary disgust... But maybe, if I enjoy what I do it won't be like this.
Then, I have moments when I tell myself "hey! snap out of it! you have a job and a good income. what more do you want? don't be so selfish! some people don't have it so good." Why should I be so selfish to pursue something that brings meaning to my life? But then, why should I wallow in a meaningless (to me) job for the rest of my life, my brain slowly turning to mush, my empathy for others dissipating, my misery growing???
I don't know why I even worry...I have not even been accepted to a program. ugh...
Back to reality...back to work.
Comments
...if that makes much sense...